The first thing you need to know is that an Indian wedding has very little with getting married and it certainly has absolutely nothing to do with love. Please! That’s for dizzy mzungus. The sole purpose of an Indian wedding is one thing and one thing alone. To show off. It’s not just a wedding you are is an experience you are designing. I mean for Shahrukh Khan’s sake we have Bollywood to live up to to. It is our ethnic duty...our way of saying ‘But do I say.’ Because Luo funerals aint got nothing on Indian weddings. So fasten your bindis, put on your bangles and ensure your sari is securely tucked away into your petticoat to avoid any embarrassing predicaments.
First things first....A weight loss regime. I’m not talking about the bride silly. Who’s going to be looking at her anyway? I am talking about everyone else. It is imperative that you squeeze into that midriff baring outfit. Those that can afford to (and many who can’t) nip over to India to get their tummy
snipped. Size zero is sold on a menu the other side of the Indian Ocean. The next thing you need to know is that an Indian wedding lasts on average five days. You know what that means.
Five themes.
Five colour schemes.
Five dresses.
Five menus.
Five locations.
Five bands.
Five times the chaos. Five time the stress. Five times the drama. And you thought you had it bad?
Of course it would be unthinkable to have all the events in the same location. You need a garden venue for the peacocks you rented to strut in. An indoor venue to accentuate the sparkle of the 10kg wedding sari made of Parisian lace and embroidered with thousands of Swarovski crystals hand sewn. And a helipad. You hardly expect the bride to walk to the aisle do you?
Now for the wedding cards. Or should we say merchandise. This is not a wedding. It is a brand. And every component must reflect the brand. The trend de jour is to have a chocolatier curate a bespoke tray of Belgian truffles and slip the wedding cards inside the box. It should appear effortless, nonchalant, casual. Like this is what all your correspondence looks like.
Next, the guest list... the birth ground of inter-generational family feuds. You see not everybody is invited to every event. An invitation is not a right.
It is a privilege.
Five days of events represents five ways to dazzle a captive audience with your imaginative, sophisticated and cultured theme ideas. There is no such thing as ‘too much’. Bollywood Hungama is a must. Arabian Nights is a standard. Afternoon High Tea has garnered favour of late. Kitenge Couture is a new entrant to the theme catalog. Black Tie is the perfect opportunity to show off those backless
ball gowns. Oscars. Because Hollywood is still cooler than Bollywood. And West is best.
For entertainment, you must have a big Bollywood Act. A bona fide lip syncing, hip swiveling, torso thrusting Bollywood actor. Complete with outfit changes and back up choreographed dancers. Obviously!
Now for the food. The most important part of any Indian wedding. The creme de la
creme of the whole debacle. This is where you cannot afford to experiment. The buffet
table must be groaning under the weight of hundreds of delicacies; Beef Biriyani, Vegetable
Biriyani, Chicken Biriyani, Goat Biriyani, Hyderabadi Biriyani. Why choose when you can serve them all! Rotlis, Naans, Papadaums, Dhosas, Idlis, Parathas. Why choose when you can serve them all!
Potato Curry, Cauliflower Curry, Eggplant Curry, Ladyfingers Curry. Why choose when
you can serve them all! Ras Malai, Gulab Jamun, Kheer, Shrikand, Laddoos.
Why choose...ok you get the picture. You see the thing is, if the menu does not have enough variety, Michael Jackson himself could be moonwalking across the dance floor, but the only thing that people will have to say about the wedding is the food was bakwas. And after all...what people say is the whole point of the wedding in the first place

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